Another travel day.
More craziness.
And, as I write this, the airplane hasn’t even left the gate.
I have two observations before takeoff.
First: Since when did Delta Sky Clubs become takeout restaurants?
A woman just boarded my flight carrying multiple plates of food from the Sky Club in her bag.
Not a cookie.
Not a banana.
Multiple plates.
Even the flight attendant looked confused.
“I didn’t think you could take food out of the Sky Club.”
The woman looked at her like she had just asked whether airplanes could fly.
“Of course you can. We do it all the time.”
We?
I’m not sure who we is. Or are.
But apparently there is an entire underground network of people using Delta Sky Clubs like DoorDash.
She then settled comfortably into her first-class seat, wearing sweatpants and a Mickey Mouse T-shirt, unpacked her Sky Club buffet, and immediately asked the flight attendant for a “vodka and juice.”
At this point, I knew.
Here we go again.
Someone, somewhere, has figured out Delta.
Sky Club membership.
First-class upgrades.
Buffet extraction privileges.
Possibly complimentary vodka.
I am seriously considering walking over and asking:
“Excuse me. I don't want to bother you while you're eating, but can you hook me up with your Delta connection?”
Because clearly I am doing this wrong.
And before anyone thinks I’m criticizing Delta, I’m not.
I love Delta.
I think Delta is the best airline in America. Maybe anywhere. Truly the best of the best.
I just want someone to explain to me how 1,400 miles on Trailways suddenly gets you Platinum status on Delta.
I apparently missed that partnership announcement.
Now to my second issue.
This one is not Delta-specific.
This is directed at every airline and every airplane manufacturer on Earth.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR TOILET SEATS?
I have actually started keeping statistics.
This year, I have encountered approximately 28 airplane toilet seats.
Want to guess how many stayed up?
One.
The current score:
Gravity: 27
Airplane Toilet Seats: 1
How is this possible?
We have airplanes that can fly themselves.
We have Wi-Fi at 40,000 feet.
We can track the aircraft on a satellite map while watching a movie and texting someone on another continent.
Boeing and Airbus have collectively employed some of the greatest engineers in human history.
And yet apparently nobody has been able to solve:
HINGE.
The toilet seat comes down like it has been spring-loaded by NASA.
And airplane bathrooms are already among the most disgusting places human beings voluntarily enter.
They make gas-station bathrooms look like the Four Seasons.
Now add a toilet seat that refuses to stay where you put it.
For men, this becomes an engineering exercise requiring balance, timing, and possibly a third hand.
For women, it creates an entirely different—and considerably more disgusting—problem because we all know exactly what happens when the men before them lose the battle with the self-closing toilet seat.
So I have two questions for the airline industry:
Why can’t your toilet seats stay up?
And:
Who is this woman’s Delta connection?
Because I would like both problems solved before my next flight.
The doors haven't even closed yet.
I cannot wait to see what happens after takeoff.