Ten Commandments for Living a Spectacularly Happy Life While Eliminating the Assholes Who Make It Difficult.
I’ve come to a rather extraordinary realization.
I’ve spent much of my life trying to make people happy.
I love making people laugh. I love helping people. I love creating things that make life better. Hell, I even started an investment firm whose entire fucking purpose is to make people smile.
And I have absolutely no intention of changing.
But I’ve also realized something else.
Some people simply aren’t worth the oxygen required to tell them to go fuck themselves.
I recently came across ten rules for living your life without giving a fuck.
I liked them.
But naturally, I thought they needed a little work.
So here are my ten commandments for living a spectacularly happy life.
1. BE SELFISH AS FUCK.
Your time. Your money. Your happiness.
Stop sacrificing them for people who wouldn’t sacrifice a fucking weekend for you.
I’m not suggesting you stop helping people.
I’m suggesting you stop helping people who think your generosity comes with a lifetime subscription and unlimited refills.
There’s a difference between being generous and being the designated village idiot with a checkbook.
Be generous with your heart. Be selective with your time. And stop financing other people’s stupidity.
2. CUT PEOPLE OFF WITHOUT AN EXIT INTERVIEW.
Some people lie. Some cheat. Some betray your trust.
And some are simply assholes who have somehow managed to obtain driver’s licenses and reproduce.
You don’t owe them an explanation, mediation, or a fucking PowerPoint presentation with supporting exhibits.
Just leave.
You don’t have to hate them.
You can genuinely wish them a wonderful life.
Preferably on another fucking continent.
3. STOP GIVING A FUCK ABOUT BEING LIKED.
This might be my favorite.
“Joel, you might offend somebody!”
“Joel, what will investors think?”
“Joel, you really shouldn’t post that!”
Well, holy fucking shit.
I’d rather have a colonoscopy performed by a veterinarian, without anesthesia, during an earthquake than spend my life seeking everyone’s approval.
Here’s the deal.
I want people to like me. But I want them to like the REAL me.
Not some sanitized, politically correct, investor-approved version that’s been run through seventeen compliance committees.
And if you don’t like me?
There are approximately eight billion people on this planet.
I’m fairly confident I can find somebody else to have lunch with.
4. LEARN THE BEAUTIFUL ART OF SAYING NO.
“No.”
Two letters. One syllable.
Absolutely fucking magnificent.
Yet people treat it like they’re being asked to solve a quantum physics equation while undergoing dental surgery.
“Can I pick your brain for an hour?”
No.
“Would you mind doing me a favor?”
No.
“Would you invest in my revolutionary company with no revenue, no customers, no product, and a $40 million valuation?”
FUCK NO!
And here’s the incredible part.
You don’t have to explain yourself, apologize, or invent a fictional relative who suddenly died.
Just say no.
It’s more liberating than taking your pants off after Thanksgiving dinner.
5. STOP CHASING PEOPLE.
If somebody wants to be in your life, they’ll make an effort.
If somebody wants to do business with you, they’ll return your call.
If somebody repeatedly ignores you, congratulations!
They’ve saved you the trouble of figuring out whether they’re worth your time.
I chase ideas. I chase opportunities. I chase extraordinary experiences.
And occasionally, after an exceptional dinner, I chase the waiter down to find out what the fuck was in the dessert.
But people?
No thanks.
I’m building a life, not running a fucking hostage negotiation.
6. LEARN TO WALK AWAY.
Not every battle needs to be fought.
Not every argument needs to be won.
And not every idiot needs to be corrected.
Believe me, that last one is extraordinarily difficult.
Especially when you encounter an idiot who is absolutely convinced he’s a genius.
You know the type.
He read half an article on LinkedIn, watched three YouTube videos, and now considers himself an expert in artificial intelligence, international finance, and the geopolitical implications of fucking avocados.
Twenty years ago, I might have spent an hour explaining why he was wrong.
Today?
I smile. I nod. And I walk away.
Because I’ve learned something incredibly valuable.
You cannot win an intellectual argument with someone who showed up unarmed.
7. BECOME DANGEROUSLY UNAVAILABLE.
Somehow, modern technology has convinced the entire world that owning a cell phone means you’re required to be available twenty-four fucking hours a day.
People text you at 5:00 in the morning.
They call during dinner.
They send seventeen follow-up messages because you haven’t responded in eleven minutes.
“Did you get my text?”
“Are you there?”
“Just checking in.”
“HELLO????”
Jesus Christ.
I’m not missing. I’m not being held hostage. I haven’t been kidnapped by a Colombian drug cartel.
I’M HAVING A FUCKING SANDWICH!
Here’s a revolutionary concept.
Just because somebody has your phone number doesn’t mean they have unrestricted access to your life.
Your attention is a privilege, not a public utility.
8. STOP EXPLAINING YOURSELF TO EVERYBODY.
I’ve spent decades building businesses, investing in companies, taking risks, making mistakes, and occasionally doing things that make perfectly rational people question my mental stability.
And you know what?
I fucking love it.
But there’s always somebody explaining why something can’t be done.
“That will never work.”
“Nobody’s ever done that.”
“That’s too risky.”
“You’re crazy!”
Well, thank you, Professor Fucking Obvious.
If I wanted to spend my life doing things everybody already knew were possible, I’d have opened a dry-cleaning business.
I don’t need everybody to understand what I’m doing.
And I certainly don’t need a permission slip from somebody whose greatest professional accomplishment was being promoted to assistant regional manager of office supplies.
The world wasn’t changed by people waiting for unanimous approval.
9. BECOME OBSESSED WITH WINNING.
Of course I want to make money.
Lots of it.
I want to build extraordinary businesses, create things nobody has imagined, and prove that seemingly impossible ideas are possible.
But I’ve reached a point where winning means something much bigger.
I want to wake up smiling.
I want my family to be happy.
I want my friends to laugh until they can’t breathe.
I want my employees to love coming to work.
I want to create experiences that make strangers feel like old friends.
And I want to make a ridiculous amount of money doing things that make people’s lives better.
Because here’s something Wall Street seems to have forgotten.
You can have a billion dollars in the bank and still be a miserable prick.
And believe me, there are plenty of examples.
Winning isn’t about having the most toys when you die.
It’s about having the most extraordinary experiences while you’re alive.
Although a few really nice toys certainly don’t hurt.
10. BE WILLING TO LOSE EVERYBODY.
Stop being afraid of disappointing people.
Stop worrying about what people think.
Stop being terrified that somebody might not invite you to their next dinner party.
For fuck’s sake.
Have you ever actually BEEN to some of these dinner parties?
You sit next to some asshole who spends forty-five minutes explaining the nuances of his investment portfolio while his wife describes their kitchen renovation.
By dessert, you’re contemplating faking a medical emergency.
And the worst part?
You paid $200 for the privilege of listening to it.
Here’s what I’ve learned.
The people who truly love you don’t require you to become somebody else.
The people who respect you don’t demand that you agree with everything they say.
And the people who belong in your life don’t make you audition for the privilege of being there.
If somebody doesn’t like the real you?
Let them leave.
Life is too fucking short to spend it begging people to stay.
NOW HERE’S WHERE I THROW ALL TEN COMMANDMENTS OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.
Because there’s something I believe far more strongly than anything I’ve just written.
DON’T BECOME AN ASSHOLE JUST BECAUSE YOU’VE ENCOUNTERED A FEW.
That’s the trap.
It’s easy to become cynical. Bitter. Selfish. Convinced that everybody is out for themselves.
Fuck that.
I refuse.
I still believe in kindness.
I still believe in generosity.
I still believe in helping people who have absolutely nothing to offer me in return.
I still believe in making strangers smile.
I still believe in giving people second chances.
Sometimes third chances.
Although by the fourth chance, I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m the fucking idiot.
I believe the world needs more laughter, more friendships, more love, and more people who actually give a shit about one another.
That’s why I’m building the businesses I’m building.
That’s why I invest in the things I invest in.
And that’s why I wake up every morning genuinely excited about what the day might bring.
I’m not interested in becoming some coldhearted, miserable billionaire who lives behind seventeen security gates and communicates with the outside world through a team of attorneys.
I want to have the greatest fucking time imaginable while making life better for as many people as possible.
And I don’t need everybody’s approval to do it.
So here’s my philosophy.
Love generously.
Laugh uncontrollably.
Give without keeping score.
Take extraordinary risks.
Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Surround yourself with people who make your life better.
And politely — or impolitely, depending on the circumstances — tell the assholes to go fuck themselves.
Because at the end of the day, I don’t want to be remembered as the richest guy in the cemetery.
I want people at my funeral laughing so fucking hard that the Rabbi has to stop the service.
I want them telling stories that make my children say, “Jesus Christ, Dad actually did that?”
And I want at least one person to stand up and say:
“THAT CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER REALLY KNEW HOW TO LIVE!”
And if somebody at my funeral gets offended by the language, I want them escorted out.
Preferably by the Rabbi.
While everybody else gets another drink.
NOW THAT’S A FUCKING LIFE WORTH LIVING!
